Tuesday, January 20, 2009

January 2009 ~ Sex still sells ~ Who is selling it ?

Does anyone even care who is selling sex ? Evidently not too many people care to look "behind" the curtain. People want to compartmentalize "who we are." It's great to think that it's not anyone that you know. It keeps it very distant and not a reality. But those who choose to sell sex are someone's mother, sister, daughter, cousin .... well you get the point. We are a real person who someone loves. It is a lonely existence that is for sure. And it has deeper consequences than anyone can imagine. It doesn't leave you with empty nest syndrome when the kids are grown (because that is why I got into the business but that is a topic for another time). Selling sex leaves you with empty life syndrome.

Here it is January 2009 I am now 52. I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out and I'm struggling to rebuild my life and somehow be "normal." I believe that for many years I did have a normal life. As normal as I could put together. I had 3 kids aged 12, 7, 3 at the time of the incident. The incident into which took my life down a road that I now have to wonder constantly ...... was that the right road ? And it makes me question everything I've done now when looking back.

I literally built a house / home for my children to grow up in. I was 36 years old and entered the government's USDA rural housing dept "self help housing program." It's a little known program that allows the poor to build their own home and acquire "sweat equity." I hated evry pounding of that hammer I swung for 10 months. I was literally dying inside. I worked full time 2 years for a man who was more emotionally abusive than the relationship I had ended for me. It really didn't matter how abusive my ex was, I was not going to leave my 3 kids fatherless. I could think about me once they were grown. I was so determined to give them everything I didn't have as a child I didn't care about what I did or didn't have/get. I'm not saying I'm a matyr. Being in a relationship where you're not loved but you're fed, clothed, housed and your children are living happily can't be that bad, can it ?

I can tell you that before the incident our family life was not one that I couldn't endure and wouldn't leave scars on the kids forever. They would just grow up knowing that I stayed with their father and kept a family together for them. Until HE broke it up.

The incident has to be written at another time. I've never fully gotten over it. I blame myself. If only .......

Next topic: But where does one fit into society? I know the stay at home moms who had husbands to support them then divorce them and throw them to the wayside when the husband suffers from his mid-life crisis and moves on. I can totally identify with them but I didn't have one husband to throw me away, I had several in addition to the kids branching out on their own.